It was -17 here when I got up this morning – which makes it hard to believe that the first sandhill cranes might start returning in as little as two weeks. (Exciting!)
Thinking of my cranes this morning, I remembered a profound, eye-opening experience I had one Spring day, many years ago.
I was NOT in a good space that day. I awoke feeling completely overwhelmed, discouraged, ANGRY and alone. I don’t remember exactly why but it probably had to do with the fact that I wasn’t happy with my life. We didn’t have any debt but I still didn’t feel abundant. Those were the days when I had scaled back our lifestyle to “just enough to get by” so that I had time to go on long walks, work
in the garden and do things that fed my soul. But to do that, I had scaled my income way back as well.
I was still living in the “either/or” paradigm of scarcity. Either I worked super long hours to make a lot of money OR I cut back expenses and made less money so I had time for things I enjoyed.
Of course, as an “abundance coach”, I couldn’t tell anyone this – if they knew the truth, they may not hire me and then I wouldn’t be able to pay my bills. So I kept it all inside, hiding the truth, ACTING like I was happy and grateful, that I loved myself and my life. In other words, I stuffed it – and on that particular morning, it erupted in an inner tirade of self-loathing, frustration, anger and
helplessness.
I couldn’t focus on anything. I tried journalling – venting all the disgust I was feeling toward myself and my life onto the page. It didn’t help. So I decided to go on a "talk-with-God-walk" – meaning I go for a long walk on our country roads, talking, ranting, questioning, praying, venting, crying, raging and the like – OUT LOUD – to God.
I remember this walk for two reasons. First, because I was really in a DARK place. Tears streamed down my face as I raged at God and at myself. Mostly, at myself. I felt angry and disgusted – ashamed of myself. It’s not often I am THAT hard on myself – but on that day, all I could see was how screwed up, incompetent, inadequate, and stupid I was. And what a disappointment and failure I had
become.
Not only was I judging myself harshly, I was talking to God thinking that God was doing the same. That God saw me the same way. That God was disappointed in and disgusted by me and what I had done with my life too.
That's when - through the tears –- I saw THEM.
Two of my beloved sandhill cranes were in a field – no more than 15 yards from me. It's a testament to their tranquility that I didn't scare them off with all my ranting and sobbing. :-)
I just stared at them - awestruck and filled with wonder. I stood there mesmerized, tears drying on my cheeks, as they spread their wings and hopped around each other in a mating dance. I heard them “talking” to each other – sometimes bugling and sometimes in a low, throaty sound that I call “crane sexy voice”. Nearly 10 minutes went by before they began to slowly walk away, occasionally lowering their necks
and jabbing their beaks into the ground for grubs.
Standing there, watching these ancient and beautiful birds, all that had been weighing on me disappeared – my anger, my fear, my loneliness, my frustration. I stood there, mute – fully present to and transfixed by them.
And that’s when GOD started talking to me, beginning with a question I had never considered…
Teresa, what would happen if you responded to YOURSELF the same way you respond to these cranes? What if you looked at YOURSELF with the same reverence and wonder, curiosity and fascination with which you have been watching these cranes?
Your cranes don't set goals to achieve nor do they feel like failures if they don't accomplish something. They don't judge themselves or compare themselves. They walk and eat in the fields. They dance. They fly overhead. They sit placidly on their nests in the Spring. And whatever they are doing, you are absolutely fascinated by them, love them, value them and see their beauty
and worth.
You do this, my dear, with ALL of creation – MY creation – except yourself.
It is time for that to stop. It is time for you to see YOURSELF as the Divine Creation, the miracle, the wondrous, unique, gifted and beautiful human being you are. It is time for you to see YOURSELF as part of MY creation – the creation that I declared “good” from the beginning. Your beauty, your worth, your lovability is not defined by what you do or do not do. It is not
defined by how much or how little money you have.
You are beautiful and worthy of love, respect, awe, compassion, appreciation because I created you and I live in you. You are in Me and I am in You.
The way you look at the cranes is how I look at you, Teresa.
It is time for you to see yourself this same way.
As I let those words sink in, I started crying again – this time tears of wonder, relief, freedom, joy and gratitude.
My beloved cranes gave me a life-changing gift that day – the gift of beginning to see myself with eyes of love, appreciation, gratitude and wonder. It’s an experience and a message I have never forgotten.
I’m still not perfect but now, when I start getting hard on myself, feeling disgusted with myself, feeling ashamed of who I am and my life, I remember that day watching those cranes.
And that memory reminds me of the message I heard – and supports me, once again, to see myself with love, wonder, appreciation, respect and delight – no matter what’s happening in my life. No matter what I have or have not done.
On this Valentine’s Day, , I hope this story reminds YOU of the Truth of who you are – so that you can see yourself through eyes of love as the unique, beautiful, miraculous, delightful, amazing human being and Divine Creation you are…
Because that’s how the One who created you sees you…
ALWAYS!
Happy Valentine’s Day, my friend!